Saturday, November 20, 2010

Rough Days

This past week has been really rough:-( I try not to focus on the negative, but sometimes especially when I am tired I get overwhelmed. The last 3 days especially have been terrible at night with Sam. Sam has been struggling so much to breathe while he is sleeping. It is so horrifying to watch him struggle just to breathe. Last night I was at our church helping make pumpkin rolls until 2 in the morning, Matt had kept the phone with him just for in case he needed to call 911, if he couldn't help Sam!!! He never actually turned blue (like last winter) but he turned red and then really pale.
I slept with Sammy the last several nights with my hand on his chest, just to make sure he did continue to breathe. Early this morning for about an hour before he woke up I layed there with the sunlight streaming in, and just watched the struggle, and watched the multiple 10+ second pauses in his breathing!
This is SO HARD!!! I am so tired, and frustrated and feeling like there is nothing that I can do to help him. I want this struggling to breath to be over. I want him to go to bed at night, sleep well, and wake up feeling fully refreshed in the morning. I don't want the constant fear of the what if's that we have been dealing with this week.
I am ready to beg for the tonsils and adenoids to come out. If that is going to help him, then I will get over my terrifying fear. I know that God is here with us, that God's plan for Sam and for us is truly perfect, but what I don't know is what that plan is, and I am struggling to deal with not knowing.
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