Hmm where to begin. Tonight as I rocked each of my children to bed, I looked into their faces and listened to their congested coughs and labored breathing I felt those same feelings of guilt and fear that I felt when Sam was an infant and struggling to keep him healthy without really knowing what was wrong. I know colds are no big deal in the grand scheme of things, but for my kids it always seems as though the "no big deals" turn into more than we bargained for. I often find myself wondering if I could have done more during my pregnancies to keep them healthy and make them full term. If I could have prevented them from getting ill.
For most a cold doesn't last a long time, but saturday will make two full weeks since Sophia's first symptoms started, and we aren't yet getting better. She is more congested and I can actual hear crap in her lungs. Her respiratory rate has increased and she is plain old miserable.
And Sam, we had just been starting to feel as though maybe his immune system was working optimally. He was exposed to Sophia and didn't get sick! It was so exciting last week to see him continue to be healthy. But this week he is sick, and although his respiratory symptoms are not very bad, I am anxious about it, about what it may be, what it may turn into.
And when do these fears subside? Is his immune deficiency always going to scare us? Are we always going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop?
I know that God is in control of all of this. I know that He is supreme over all of this. I know that His Plan for my kids and for our lives is perfect. I know that HE IS ALL AND KNOWS ALL. But tonight I am just struggling with all of it. Many of you know the struggles that I had during my pregnancies. That both of my children are miracles, and that Sam was written off in the beginning and here he is. I know that God carried us through, I know that He will continue to, but today I am just struggling.
Look at these old pics:-)